Well, its official- we live together. Technically we have lived together for about two months now but not until this morning did it become official. Want to know how I know? We are mid shampoo fight. Fight meaning rather that be apologized and I’m ignoring him. Yep the age old fight over household objects. When your fights switch from being about his questioning antics and curious past to not remembering to tell me we were out of shampoo mid shower. The classic shift most couples unknowingly slide through like a quiet avalanche when they venture to that “move in” phase. Where you don’t so much fight about what he did last Friday night (on account that you now know) but fall much closer to “why didn’t you tell me we were out of shampoo?” Don’t get me wrong living together has its perks. I have my partner in crime and best friend there to catch me when I fall both physically and metaphorically speaking and someone there to spend Sunday mornings in bed with and someone to help me carry my groceries. But today there was a change, a shift, a cross over into the next step in our relationship. And, to be quite honest I’m partially scared shitless and partially excited. We made it this far. Over three years together and a couple months of living together is much longer than most people get. Who knows what happens from here all I know is I’m ready to find out. Hopefully its still filled with love letters and flowers with the occasional ‘now tell me you didn’t forget the paper towels again did you?’
Death has many effects on people. When we find out that someone we love will no longer be able to answer our phone calls or hug us when we are lonely, our minds, our souls, and our hearts goes into overdrive.
Our mind has us examine everything we have ever been taught. It is in our mind that we replay every single second with our loved one that we can remember. It is with our mind that we picture their faces and their smile and hope that our mind will not ever let these images become faint. It is with our mind that we figure out the arrangements that must be made, the things that goes here and the people who get what. We must somehow work out a way to survive without this person. We must think of ways in which we can continue on without them. We are forced to think of a future world without them and are completely made to reinvent any idea of our lives. Our mind tells us that while nothing will be the same again we will be able to go on. We will find a strategy, we will compute, we will go on.
Our soul feels lost. Our soul searches for an answer late at night through blurry eyes from a higher power. Our soul feels empty, which feels like someone has managed to scoop out the deepest of your insides. Our soul silently prays for a sign, any sign, just to know that their soul has not left ours, and this is a process that will haunt you for the rest of your own life if you do not find an answer. Our souls search within ourselves to see the ways in which our loved one has changed us. The way in which they have inspired us and pushed us and saved us. Our soul looks for this and always seems to find it. Our soul feels our loved one in the warm summer sun, or the way the flowers grew just right this spring or the way a ladybug seems to always be near. Once our soul doesn’t feel empty anymore, once it finds the connections we have made to their soul we are able to feel ok again. Our soul searches for an answer, our soul fills us and gives us hope when our mind tells us they are gone. Our soul knows that they will never truly be.
Our heart takes us on another journey. One filled with questions and longing. Our heart makes us hug our children and little tighter at night and reminds us to pray before we sleep. It makes eggs and toast taste extra delicious and it makes us rethink the fight we had with our significant other. It makes us call up that person that we seemed to push away and it makes us crave forgiveness for our many past mistakes. It makes us cry and show emotion when we normally keep to ourselves. It makes us hug and love much harder than we have in a long time. It is our heart that forces us to realize the uncertainty of time and also the way in which we have decided to fill it. Our heart makes us forgive our friend and give a parent a second chance. Our heart makes us notice the way our lives have ended up and gives us hope to change it. It is with our heart that we see how the person would have wanted us to live. While our mind reprograms and our soul searches, it is our heart that tells us the right way to go. Our heart that takes a death and a loss and uses it to reshape our lives.