The Main Thing is to Not Get Excited

Aside

hey i missed you today.

I missed having the ability to watch my problems evaporate when your easy laugh wafted through the room.

I missed the way that you would hold my hand in the middle of the night because I was afraid, Lord knows I wish you were here to hold my hand now, because my problems and fears have only gotten bigger and scarier as I cross this path into adulthood.

I missed the way you would have told me you were proud of me and hugged me as I got my first college diploma.

I missed you sitting in your favorite chair turning around and smiling at me as I came to visit your house.

I felt you today.

I felt you today as the warm sun shined down through the trees on the path I was hiking. In the way the daisy’s lined my trail just like the ones we would pick together when I was small.

I felt you today as I drove down sun drenched country roads as the wind whipped through my hair.

I felt you today as I sat by the campfire on a chilly spring night and stared up at the stars that you taught me the names of.

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Just you and I

I lay here on this leather couch, the sun just set, the stars are rising in the sky. The light from the moon begins to slowly spill through the open shutters and the room becomes filled, ocean deep in a soft glow. We lay together, you and me, just the way it works best. There we are, smothered in moonlight in that quiet room clinging to each other,¬† too afraid of what would happen if we let go. If I open my eyes will you have just been a sweet and perfect dream? The kind of dream that leaves you breathless, the kind that takes you hours to separate from? Will the long walks by the river and the warm summer sunsets drift away like all my other dreams. If I breathe too loudly will I blow all of this away like a child blows a freshly picked dandelion in the summer time, will you have just been my single wish? If I blink will our lives flash before me too rapidly for me to stop it? Will I flash forward and miss all this life has to offer us? If I fall asleep will I wake to us in our old age laying in the warn in, butter cream sheets in the home we have had for 50 years? We cling to each other because we are too afraid of what would happen if we let go. My breath begins to quicken and I feel your grasp on me grow tighter, are you thinking of this too? I want to sink in the cold,crisp ocean with you, and drink the tartest wine in Italy, I want to get a sunburn in the Caribbean and never stop holding your hand. I want to fall asleep under the perfect set of stars, and dance in the middle of the street, no street in particular, just about all of them. I want to smell your cologne on your neck and run away to Paris for awhile. I want our laughter to fill the quiet streets on a cold night, I want to get lost in the jungle and, meet every member of your family. I want to build a million tents and see a million places and be with only you.¬† I have a full life planned for you and I, don’t let me go.

Decisions.

When they asked me if any corrections needed to be made,

You where one of them.

You aren’t my emergency contact anymore,

I wont be calling you anymore.

You are not the person that they would call if I was ever broken,

because lets me honest you did all the breaking yourself.

You aren’t my emergency contact anymore,

you don’t get the pleasure of knowing when I’m lost,

mostly because I’ve spent so much time being lost in you,

lost in your thoughts,

lost in your life,

You aren’t my emergency contact anymore.

You don’t get to hold my hand if I were at the end,

because you never walked with me through the small moments,

the day I got my license,

the day I went to college,

the day I fell in love,

the day I turned 18.

You aren’t my emergency contact anymore,

you don’t get to know when I am hurt,

you made sure to hurt me yourself.

You don’t get to know when I’m feeling alone,

you made me feel that all by yourself.

You aren’t my emergency contact anymore.