The Main Thing is to Not Get Excited

Aside

hey i missed you today.

I missed having the ability to watch my problems evaporate when your easy laugh wafted through the room.

I missed the way that you would hold my hand in the middle of the night because I was afraid, Lord knows I wish you were here to hold my hand now, because my problems and fears have only gotten bigger and scarier as I cross this path into adulthood.

I missed the way you would have told me you were proud of me and hugged me as I got my first college diploma.

I missed you sitting in your favorite chair turning around and smiling at me as I came to visit your house.

I felt you today.

I felt you today as the warm sun shined down through the trees on the path I was hiking. In the way the daisy’s lined my trail just like the ones we would pick together when I was small.

I felt you today as I drove down sun drenched country roads as the wind whipped through my hair.

I felt you today as I sat by the campfire on a chilly spring night and stared up at the stars that you taught me the names of.

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Just you and I

I lay here on this leather couch, the sun just set, the stars are rising in the sky. The light from the moon begins to slowly spill through the open shutters and the room becomes filled, ocean deep in a soft glow. We lay together, you and me, just the way it works best. There we are, smothered in moonlight in that quiet room clinging to each other,  too afraid of what would happen if we let go. If I open my eyes will you have just been a sweet and perfect dream? The kind of dream that leaves you breathless, the kind that takes you hours to separate from? Will the long walks by the river and the warm summer sunsets drift away like all my other dreams. If I breathe too loudly will I blow all of this away like a child blows a freshly picked dandelion in the summer time, will you have just been my single wish? If I blink will our lives flash before me too rapidly for me to stop it? Will I flash forward and miss all this life has to offer us? If I fall asleep will I wake to us in our old age laying in the warn in, butter cream sheets in the home we have had for 50 years? We cling to each other because we are too afraid of what would happen if we let go. My breath begins to quicken and I feel your grasp on me grow tighter, are you thinking of this too? I want to sink in the cold,crisp ocean with you, and drink the tartest wine in Italy, I want to get a sunburn in the Caribbean and never stop holding your hand. I want to fall asleep under the perfect set of stars, and dance in the middle of the street, no street in particular, just about all of them. I want to smell your cologne on your neck and run away to Paris for awhile. I want our laughter to fill the quiet streets on a cold night, I want to get lost in the jungle and, meet every member of your family. I want to build a million tents and see a million places and be with only you.  I have a full life planned for you and I, don’t let me go.

The Second Chance

Death has many effects on people. When we find out that someone we love will no longer be able to answer our phone calls or hug us when we are lonely, our minds, our souls, and our hearts goes into overdrive.

Our mind has us examine everything we have ever been taught. It is in our mind that we replay every single second with our loved one that we can remember. It is with our mind that we picture their faces and their smile and hope that our mind will not ever let these images become faint. It is with our mind that we figure out the arrangements that must be made, the things that goes here and the people who get what. We must somehow work out a way to survive without this person. We must think of ways in which we can continue on without them. We are forced to think of a future world without them and are completely made to reinvent any idea of our lives. Our mind tells us that while nothing will be the same again we will be able to go on. We will find a strategy, we will compute, we will go on.

Our soul feels lost. Our soul searches for an answer late at night through blurry eyes from a higher power. Our soul feels empty, which feels like someone has managed to scoop out the deepest of your insides. Our soul silently prays for a sign, any sign, just to know that their soul has not left ours, and this is a process that will haunt you for the rest of your own life if you do not find an answer. Our souls search within ourselves to see the ways in which our loved one has changed us. The way in which they have inspired us and pushed us and saved us. Our soul looks for this and always seems to find it. Our soul feels our loved one in the warm summer sun, or the way the flowers grew just right this spring or the way a ladybug seems to always be near. Once our soul doesn’t feel empty anymore, once it finds the connections we have made to their soul we are able to feel ok again. Our soul searches for an answer, our soul fills us and gives us hope when our mind tells us they are gone. Our soul knows that they will never truly be.

Our heart takes us on another journey. One filled with questions and longing. Our heart makes us hug our children and little tighter at night and reminds us to pray before we sleep. It makes eggs and toast taste extra delicious and it makes us rethink the fight we had with our significant other. It makes us call up that person that we seemed to push away and it makes us crave forgiveness for our many past mistakes. It makes us cry and show emotion when we normally keep to ourselves. It makes us hug and love much harder than we have in a long time. It is our heart that forces us to realize the uncertainty of time and also the way in which we have decided to fill it. Our heart makes us forgive our friend and give a parent a second chance. Our heart makes us notice the way our lives have ended up and gives us hope to change it. It is with our heart that we see how the person would have wanted us to live. While our mind reprograms and our soul searches, it is our heart that tells us the right way to go. Our heart that takes a death and a loss and uses it to reshape our lives.

An old poem.

My rearview mirror fills,

With a skyline I once knew,

Though I know the skyline remains the same,

What’s different can’t be viewed.

The memories fill my mind,

As I take a look around,

Of the trees that changed from green to gold and all the buildings that don’t make a sound,

A smile creeps upon my face,

As I think of our time in this place,

Our laughter that once filled the streets,

When time came easy and love came free,

With every brick I step upon,

Your memories fill my mind,

Of a time that was so magical it forever changed my life.

So when you’re down and lonely,

Or you happen to stumble across downtown,

Remember though surrounding change,

What we have remains all the same,

A time when the future was only tomorrow,

The past just yesterday,

A time when we came together and simply enjoyed one another,

The skyline slips out of view,

As I drive away,

But the happiness we once shared and a smile still remains.

 

 

Time.

Aside

Even after all this time,

I crave you like the crackling soil of earth craves water after the summer of no rain,

I miss you like the sun will forever miss the stars,

I long for you like the trees long for the warmth only spring can wrap them in,

I need you like the wind needs a forest, because after all, if it wasn’t for the shuffling of the trees on a cool autumn day how would anyone know that the pure existence of a breeze,

I desire you like the soft arms of the ocean desire the rough hands of land,

and I thirst for your soul like the poor lad that has gotten lost in the desert searching for anything to quench his undying thirst,

Even after all this time.

Sunset

Not many things give me the same feeling as,

driving toward the orange sun and feeling the warm glow of the sunset wrapping me up in light like a blanket in the fall,

seeing the sky turn from ocean water blue to deep purples and cotton candy pink,

hearing the husky voice of Ray Charles singing about that crazy kind of love waft out of my radio,

knowing that I am driving toward home where the stars shine a little brighter and the trees a little greener,

having the windows cracked just enough to feel the cooling temperature of the evening whip through my hair and take away the pain of the today,

But oh my darling, you always do.

For You.

Hey I missed you today,
I missed the way you made everything seem a little less grey,
I miss the way you held my hand because I was scared,
Lord knows I could use it now,
As I stroll across the threshold of adulthood,
Did you get to see my graduation,
Were you up there cheering for me,
Do I make you proud,
Well at least from what you can see?
Sometimes I can still feel your laughter,
even when I’m mad,
what I would give to hear it in my ears,
and not simply from my head.
Remember when I was little,
and we were driving in the car,
and you told us that sweet summer day,
that you can see how it rains.
If you look out in the sky,
that the sky slants with grey,
that its raining over their so prepare for the day.
You also said,
hey look over there,
as you gestured toward the clouds,
and told me and my brother,
that when the sun falls between the clouds,
and you can feel its warmth,
that the light is the light from heaven,
and it means all our family is smiling down on us,
right then.
When the sun hits the sky just right,
to this day,
I cry.
I know that its you up there,
looking down on me,
I can feel the warmth of your smile in the heat of the sun.
I hope you get to see your dad,
and your brother too,
I know you missed them here on earth,
and I am sure they missed you too.
I hope you get to see me,
as I begin to take on my years,
are you watching me now as I begin to tear?
Ninny misses you a lot,
when you left us a part of her went too,
I dont know if she will ever be the same here without you.
I hope you don’t mind that I read all those letters,
the ones you wrote to her from the war,
the cute and lovely ones,
from when you were just a kid.
I hope this letter gets sent up there,
and you can spare a moment to read,
and then I hope you go right back to fishing,
and smiling,
and laughing,
and setting in that sun.