The Main Thing is to Not Get Excited

Aside

hey i missed you today.

I missed having the ability to watch my problems evaporate when your easy laugh wafted through the room.

I missed the way that you would hold my hand in the middle of the night because I was afraid, Lord knows I wish you were here to hold my hand now, because my problems and fears have only gotten bigger and scarier as I cross this path into adulthood.

I missed the way you would have told me you were proud of me and hugged me as I got my first college diploma.

I missed you sitting in your favorite chair turning around and smiling at me as I came to visit your house.

I felt you today.

I felt you today as the warm sun shined down through the trees on the path I was hiking. In the way the daisy’s lined my trail just like the ones we would pick together when I was small.

I felt you today as I drove down sun drenched country roads as the wind whipped through my hair.

I felt you today as I sat by the campfire on a chilly spring night and stared up at the stars that you taught me the names of.

The End of My First Journey.

As December swiftly runs past us and we begin to feel the weight of the year we are all about to leave, I have to say it packs more of a punch this year than it usually does. Today is my final day at my first college. Today is my final day at an awesome job that I have had for more than two years. Today is the tie up loose ends, say goodbye to everyone, and remembrance kind of day. When writing a couple of emails to a couple of people for a couple of things I have to clear up before I leave, I was written back almost immediately by one. And it read “Thanks for the update, Ashley. Congratulations on your graduation and best of luck on the next part of your journey!.” Which, made me realize that today I am completing the first part of my journey. And, isn’t that just terrifying and breathtaking and confusing and humbling. All this hard work and changing my mind and challenging myself actually accounted for something. I came to this school, got a new job, and once I graduate I wont be back. Today is the end of my first journey.

This part of the journey that is coming to a completion today, I believe, was about growing up, figuring myself out a little bit more, and learning to trust my instincts. Right before I got this job and began school I moved out on my own. I went from living with a rather large, loud and rambunctious family of seven to a small, quiet place with just me and my best friend. I also went from a soft little town with bright stars and limited dreams, to a booming downtown city where the dreams where massive and stars impossible to see. I also started college, got a new job and changed my major. Which, as one could only imagine lead to may tear filled nights, lost days and confusing choices. As you could also imagine, I had to pick up the run of the mill adult stuff like paying my bills on time, how expensive heat can be, how to not burn your apartment down, and how costly groceries are. But, I also learned the more meaningful value of being an adult. Things like learning to trust in yourself, having to make hard decisions, never letting fear stop me from attacking my dreams, and of course that you are never to old to call your mother crying asking for help.

Not only have I learned a lot about my somewhat new role of being an adult, I have learned a lot more about myself on a personal level. I learned that I am only responsible for myself and my actions, that happiness comes from within, and the true importance of being a good friend. I have learned to forgive even if someone has not apologized, learned to put faith in myself and the abilities I have and, that above all else my family is the most important thing in the world. I have learned that I love the bustling of a downtown area and plan on living in New York City one day. I have learned that I also require time outside where I can spend a moment figuring myself out. I have learned that yoga helps my clear my head, exercise keeps me from wanting to punch people, and eating healthy is a value that is important to me. I have learned that communication and trust are the most important things in a relationship and that learning to live with someone you love is a challenge but it is so worth it. I have learned that I love brunch on Sundays and sleeping in late on Saturdays and weekends filled with food, friends and laughter. I have learned the kind of movies I like to watch, the books I like to read, and the music I enjoy listening to. I have learned that while it is absolutely terrifying to go to school for something that you love, in the end, with hard work, determination, and never taking no for an answer it will all be worth it. I have learned so much about myself and the person I want to be. As the year is coming to a close and the curtain is abut to close I realize that today is the end of an era. The end of my very first journey. It has come with its fair share of hardships challenges and obstacles but, I have made some hilarious memories, wonderful new friends, and instilled an unshakable faith in myself. Soon I will be off to my last school with a new job and new sights in store.

Last Night

There is something miraculously romantic about the way the warm butter creme light flows from my bedside lamp and tucks itself into every page of my book. The way the light smooths the rough edges of the room and the rough edges of my day. The way in shifts back and fourth, until it finds the perfect place to lay, until it covers the carpets, the quilted blankets. the closets and me. There is something so romantic about the way that candle light dances across my skin and the way it uses my bedroom wall to spend the night doing the Charleston like the flappers of history’s past. And the way that the crisp sweetness of apple fills the room and fills the stories. The way it folds you into itself, and makes you feel at home. There is something so romantic about the way that the words flow off my page and place me in the story. The smells, the people, the way the world looks. The way it sends me on a private trip to a place far away. Far away from my butter creme lamp, from the dancing candle, from today. 

Decisions.

When they asked me if any corrections needed to be made,

You where one of them.

You aren’t my emergency contact anymore,

I wont be calling you anymore.

You are not the person that they would call if I was ever broken,

because lets me honest you did all the breaking yourself.

You aren’t my emergency contact anymore,

you don’t get the pleasure of knowing when I’m lost,

mostly because I’ve spent so much time being lost in you,

lost in your thoughts,

lost in your life,

You aren’t my emergency contact anymore.

You don’t get to hold my hand if I were at the end,

because you never walked with me through the small moments,

the day I got my license,

the day I went to college,

the day I fell in love,

the day I turned 18.

You aren’t my emergency contact anymore,

you don’t get to know when I am hurt,

you made sure to hurt me yourself.

You don’t get to know when I’m feeling alone,

you made me feel that all by yourself.

You aren’t my emergency contact anymore.

Sunset

Not many things give me the same feeling as,

driving toward the orange sun and feeling the warm glow of the sunset wrapping me up in light like a blanket in the fall,

seeing the sky turn from ocean water blue to deep purples and cotton candy pink,

hearing the husky voice of Ray Charles singing about that crazy kind of love waft out of my radio,

knowing that I am driving toward home where the stars shine a little brighter and the trees a little greener,

having the windows cracked just enough to feel the cooling temperature of the evening whip through my hair and take away the pain of the today,

But oh my darling, you always do.

Today.

The potential to lose everything you have, really, truly makes you grateful for all that you do have. Faced with this today I began to, or rather am forced to take notice of all the things I take for granted. Take a moment today and thank who ever it is you believe in, maybe just your lucky stars for everything you complain about every single day.